Orgy

I was thinking to myself, myspace, facebook, youtube, blogs, and the internet period is one big voyeuristic orgy where anyone can attend as it does not discriminate, unless you’re fucking ugly and display your picture for everyone to see. You can poke and wink at people. Seriously you could masturbate to pictures of a cat and no one knows but you? I find it super fascinating and creepy. Okay why did I just write this blog? I swear I’m not on meds.

Sex and Politics

This whole political race for the Democratic nominee is comparable to the most boring sex ever. At first it was exciting and new like a fresh relationship; when all you want to do is have spontaneous sex and end up in the oddest positions. Now it is like being with the same lover for too long, that while you are having sex, you are thinking about what to get at the grocery store or that you need to make a hair appointment, while at the same time looking at the clock, if one is nearby, saying let’s get this shit over with; BORING!

 

I am for Obama by the way. He is smart, likeable, and sexy. Not that him being sexy is a reason to vote for him but it doesn’t hurt. If someone is going to talk for hours on end, in my opinion, needs to be decent looking. He also has the best name to scream out while you’re having an orgasm. That is if you were ever in a position to have an orgasm with Obama. I better get back to work before my boss walks in the office seeing me do something inappropriate.

Jew Balls

WTF is going on in the world… in this Jew world of Los Angeles. This shit would only happen to me…I swear to Jew. I had to go grocery shopping for my boss, and I just found out that entails like 5 different stores; one of them being this vegetable market, Cochran’s on Fairfax, in one of the many Jewish neighborhoods in LA. I’m rummaging through the veggies trying to find the best organic tomatoes I can find, and this little Jewish man who looked to be high-age, if you don’t know what high-age means, refer to Peep Show, one of my blogs below. So this cute (not in the dating sense cute but like wow you’re really old cute) eighty-year old man, who walked with a cane and came up to my tits, starts hitting on me. I don’t know if it was the way I was feeling up the tomatoes or what but he asked if he could kiss my beautiful face. He literally said, beautiful face; not only is he walking with a cane he needs glasses. I mean I’m okay but beautiful. He begged and begged as if he was going to drop dead right there, as if this was the last wish he wanted granted. I kindly declined his advances but honestly felt kind of bad about it. Here is this little old man who walks with a cane; harmless. I finish shopping, get rung up, and head to my car, along with a guy who works at the store that helped me load the groceries into my trunk. As I pay the guy for his help, I look over to the driver’s side and see the little old Jewish man; he barely came up to the window. First of all, how the hell did he get there so fast? I walk over to tell him to please move so I can leave. He asks me out on a date, again I kindly declined. He became Gumby. From nowhere in one fast swoop, he reaches up, with cane in hand, kisses my cheek and his hand somehow glided across my left tit. This little fucker was fast. I also felt his old pellet-like Jew balls pressed against my knee. In shock of not only getting violated, but all this took place on a really busy street; too busy for people to even notice or care to. In this town, they probably figured I was some hooker and he was thanking me for a good time. I yelled at Jew balls, which startled his already shaky ass that he lost his balance and fell down. I got in my SUV and told him to get up before I run him over… flattery will get you nowhere Jew balls!

Hairy Ass

Okay so I’m driving down Hoover on my way home to Silverlake from my hideous job, and I…yes I somehow disturbed a bum. My SUV does sound like it is in a bit of pain. My breaks are screeching and the bum let me know he was totally disgusted. He yelled at me in what sounded like Yiddish, not that I really know what that sounds like but if I had to guess, that would be it.  Anyway I not only ruined his beauty sleep at five o’clock in the evening but I also drove through his house…outside! I mean what the fuck was I thinking? Now if you are living outside how am I making you disgusted? I am almost 100% sure; his hairy ass, which looked really clean by the way, has heard and seen louder shit than my brakes. Now I feel bad for the bums’ because I would not want to be in that situation and am grateful that I am not; however my question is, how come your ass looked totally clean?

Moist

I actually went and worked out today. I do not have enough money to pay for even the most frugal of workout facilities. You know the ones that do not have any air conditioning or water. Where it feels like you are burning fat for Satan. Anyway LA is a workout facility in itself. It has the steepest hills that even my Ford Explorer has a difficult time climbing.  So I start my workout off slow gaining momentum with every stride. When I get to the point where my ass is wiggling and my tits are jiggling, that is where I draw the line. That line is what I call a fucking accomplishment, to make my upper body and lower body look like they are clapping simultaneously; it’s as if I have my own cheering sections. What pisses me off is someone stealing my lime light while I am hauling ass. You know those fuckers that do the light jog (NOT SWEATING) but they pass you up, and here I am pouring down sweat, with a moist strip down the crack of my ass revealing itself through my sweats. Light jog my ass…I’m so pissed off!

Peep Show

This post has all to do with last night. Going down the stairs to my bedroom, I started taking my shirt off. I had on no bra and without a bra; my tits hang down so low they resemble a slinky. I also did not have on any pants, which displayed my undies…that had a hole in them…bulls eye. Got it, okay then I get this scratch on my thigh near my crotch. So from afar, it does look like I’m trying to evict someone or something from my vagina. It was at that moment I noticed my window blinds were open, and I saw this high-aged (looks to be in her 70’s) woman. You know why is it always middle-aged? You never see low-aged or high-aged. Anyway this woman was checking me out; and not in a way like , damn that is a hot bitch! It was more like a study: as if I was apart of some exhibit in a low-budget traveling carnival show. This bitch enjoyed the peep show. She is known as the “nosy neighbor.” When I moved into my apartment, the manager told me she is his eyes and ears. So great, she is going to go run and tell him she saw me naked and that I have an STD.

Lesbian Experience

Today while standing in line at Traders Joe’s, I was engaged in a refreshingly strange conversation, especially by Hollywood standards. I spoke to a woman about FOOD. It was fucking fascinating; we talked about the best Thai, Italian (emphases on pizza), and Mexican restaurants in town. We both got so excited; to find someone that overwhelming reaches a high level of orgasmic proportions, when discussing food is just amazing. After I came; from what may have been my first lesbian experience, I noticed the other people waiting in line staring at us; their carts filled with no fat, lettuce, and air. The woman I was speaking to about food got so embarrassed. They were looking at her way more than they were looking at me. I didn’t get it. I guess I had mid-western written all over me so they figured I was a lost cause. Seriously it was like Poltergeist and she was Caroline…come to the light…the light Caroline; and she obliged. Caroline acted like she was adding up how much her groceries were going to cost, and would conveniently hold up the healthy shit she was purchasing like organic fruit roll ups, so those around her could see it. I literally heard someone gasp in relief as if they saved her from the dungeons of hell…me.

Limp

It’s the weekend and all I am going to do is remain limp. I don’t want to have to worry about finding something to wear, to look somewhat presentable to the outside world, to people that don’t give a f**k about me and I don’t give a rat’s ass about them. When I say “somewhat presentable,” I literally mean a t-shirt with stains in the armpits and sweats with holes in the ass crack.

I must say I am still pretty pissed off from the dog shit I saw outside my door this morning; oh yeah. I screamed to the top of my lungs, “Clean up your dog shit you nasty mother or father of your bitches!” I mean if I can clean the shit up from my German Shepard who believe me, drops bombs like Hiroshima, then I know whoever owns this tiny little dog can do the same. The reason I know the dog is small is because of the little shit pieces it created. My next-door neighbor has a little dog that yelps at the wind. This dog has sniffed me numerous times and knows I live next door, but chooses to have a conniption every time I walk by. It was probably that dog. I blame her (the neighbor) not the dog, because it looks like she (the neighbor) doesn’t wash her own ass so why would she care about her dog’s fecal matter, bitch…not you dog.

 

My First Time

I have to tell you how my first time at the gig went. I’m a little on the fence about it. Boss lady was irritating as hell. She is one of those passive aggressive types who try to make you feel as small as an embryo’s penis. During the interview process, the “real” boss lady did not come out; and here I thought that was my approach. So the maid is cool. She rushed into my office and had me snap her bra back together…not sure what went on there; I hope there is a next time so I can ask. I don’t know. I got a bad vibe about this gig. I cannot put my finger on it but after today, I would’ve preferred getting my ass waxed…multiple times…and I’ve never had it done.

Hard

Okay so it is hard to get an interview in this town; for a day gig at that. I’ve been in LA now for a few months, not missing the Chicago weather but missing the reality. I’ve pimped craigslist so much I’ve decided to call it my bitch. Twenty decaf white mochas from Starbucks (that I cannot afford) and enough gas in my ‘96 Explorer to fill up a DC-10, I finally got an interview for an ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT position, with some personal assistant duties. You notice I capped all letters and bolded the title of the position to make myself feel important. I mean lets be honest, I’d be a f***in gopher! Wait I wonder if I mention Starbucks enough times, will they give me some freebies. You know just like when stars mention who their wearing on the red carpet. Let’s face it, some of the drinks at Starbucks costs more than some hookers. Back to my job interview, the position would be working for this rich woman out of her home, in my own office of course, and it’s FLEXIBLE full-time. That is enough motivation for me. So I get to the interview and it is like a cattle call for speed dating. She (potential boss) scheduled interviews every 15 minutes. It reminded me of the other day, I was driving past a long line of people waiting for what I thought was an audition for some hideous reality show; come to find out they were interviewing to be a barista at Starbucks. So sitting in my Explorer waiting my turn to go interview, I tried to come up with a strategy. I saw the girl who went in before me, of course I sized her up. The outfit she was wearing looked a bit superheroish. She looked over excited, which bugged me. Call me a catty bitch I don’t care. I figured since she was over stimulated I would be underwhelming. That way my (potential boss) feels that she can mold me into the type of assistant she wants me to be. It is all psychological people. My strategy worked because an hour after my interview, I got the call that the job was mine. So suck a tit bitches… especially the over excited, over stimulated chick that bugged the hell out of me!